+1 904 254 1061 micah@micah-barnes.com

Folks, we’re less than 2 weeks away from Christmas. For those of us with families, it’s important for us to spend quality time at the dinner table. For some of us who visit families out of town, we may only see each other once or twice a year – if that. So, it becomes increasingly important for families to spend some valuable time together and communicate with each other.

But if you’re desperate for food and don’t care too much for your host OR if you like a little excitement and dysfunction with your Christmas dinner… follow these instructions exactly!

  • First, come to the table with dirty hands and a dirty face. It completely turns people on when dirt and bacteria are near the food. Ditch the soap and water.
  • Never say please and thank you when someone hands you something. Who cares about manners. Feel free to start a fight that’ll ruin the dinner, too. Now, that’s fun!
  • Always reach across the table. Nothing will please your family more than to have armpits over their turkey and giblets.
  • Keep your feet off the floor. Try putting them in someone’s lap or on their clean pants. They’ll love you for smudging their Dockers!
  • Place your napkin… where ever. You could put it in your lap, but who cares about protecting your clothes? And after dinner walk around with cranberry juice on your pants. Nice!
  • Start eating before everyone else has been served. By doing this you show complete disregard for everyone else.
  • When you do start eating, chew with your mouth W I D E O P E N. Continue to talk with your mouth full. Food may fall out, and you’ll risk choking, but who cares! Just make sure your Uncle Merv knows the Heimlich.

And if you really want to screw up Christmas dinner – or any other formal dinner – stay tuned to Part 2 next week. Do these and you’ll never be invited back. Cheers!